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The good, the bad, and the prideful
Shit. you'd think I'd be a lot happier with the news that I'm getting better; the cancer isn't as cancerous and my life is on the upswing. However it's not that simple for me.
All my plans for 18 months have revolved around me being dead. I have waited and waited and postponed applying for disability for this reason. Now that I'm getting better I'd rather work anyway, but up here (and everywhere else) there is a growing depression. No help wanted signs, no jobs anywhere; only layoffs and hiring freezes.
Now I have to apply for first Social Services (the dole), and then disability but because I'm not as high-risk as I was, it's LONG-TERM disability, not short. My whole life has been spent fighting an uphill battle in some form or another: I came from a poor family in a Northern mining town, put myself through school and worked my way up through the ranks to become very sought-after in my field, only to have the entire industry collapse in my recent absence.
It's now my pride that stands in my way. I feel like I'm getting healthier as the world around me gets sicker; and now I'm reborn into hopelessness and despair. I've been told I've been brave throughout this process but I feel now like I've been kicked only to be kicked again on the other side of all this.
I'm also impatient as hell to get back to my life, which looks further and further away every day. I have to learn to be...what? I don't know.
every day is a new day.
All my plans for 18 months have revolved around me being dead. I have waited and waited and postponed applying for disability for this reason. Now that I'm getting better I'd rather work anyway, but up here (and everywhere else) there is a growing depression. No help wanted signs, no jobs anywhere; only layoffs and hiring freezes.
Now I have to apply for first Social Services (the dole), and then disability but because I'm not as high-risk as I was, it's LONG-TERM disability, not short. My whole life has been spent fighting an uphill battle in some form or another: I came from a poor family in a Northern mining town, put myself through school and worked my way up through the ranks to become very sought-after in my field, only to have the entire industry collapse in my recent absence.
It's now my pride that stands in my way. I feel like I'm getting healthier as the world around me gets sicker; and now I'm reborn into hopelessness and despair. I've been told I've been brave throughout this process but I feel now like I've been kicked only to be kicked again on the other side of all this.
I'm also impatient as hell to get back to my life, which looks further and further away every day. I have to learn to be...what? I don't know.
every day is a new day.
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2 Comments
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Comment by Sarah on May 2, 2009 at 8:32pm - Like the campaign slogan!
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Comment by Kip Gordon on April 1, 2009 at 1:30am -
Thank you. I have a new anti-cancer campaign that's a little more 'in your face' than just ribbons...it's called "fuck cancer." Haha.
In truth I'm doing better, but am being observed for the next 3 months to see if I need surgery to remove the blasted thing. Here's hoping "no"
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